Time for a comic interlude!

Now, I realize its been a while since I've posted here, and I've been very busy with life, reading, and um.....walking I've been very very busy, and if you're here reading this I don't see why you just won't take my bloody word for it! I mean it seems ridiculous to me that I have to qualify myself on my own blog, it's like explaining to yourself why you had to kill your neighbor to yourself in a book and.....I'm saying too much. Well anyway, I've also been watching quite a few movies I suppose, though I'm ashamed to admit that I have been in fact, watching movies.

There's something to be said about the current quality of movies, which I would describe as shameless. Movies directors these days are all the same thing reused over and over. Kind of like pimps. Only that you have 50 pimps and 4 girls and one really ugly guy pretending to be a girl that they'll all whore out. The saddest part of all is these movie directors(pimps) find it completely okay to whore out the same 4 or 5 films to us over and over and over...and over again. Well actually I just thought of something even sadder, which is that we continue to watch said movies though we're aware that the new movie we're just about to watch is the dismembered bits of the 4 girls ripped to pieces, stomped on, and then sewn together into a new multi-legged monstrosity of a movie which is in roiling agony with every breath, but we watch it because it seems new at first until on closer inspection you see all the stiches and feel the agony the director when through while making this shameless film.

Take underworld for example. I mean sure the first one was good, but then now we have 3. It's almost as if the people who made underworld have a running bet with the rest of the movie industry onto how much they can milk their movie. The procedure for finishing a franchise in this day and age goes something like this:-
Where (cow=movie, and people=producers/directors)
You have two cows.
You get the two cows milked by 300 people.
Later, you hire consultants to tell you why the cow died.
Yes, they literally milk their films to the very point of death, trying to desperately to get every single little cent out of it. Who cares about leaving a good impression? As long as you got as much money as you could, it's all good.

Now, time for the evidence of this behavior. Let's go deconstruct Underworld 3. In case any of you have the blessed mercy of not watching it, this movie basically features a race of vampires, who seemingly have all the powers of an Olympic high jump champion with a thirst for blood crammed into the frame of a person woefully allergic to sunlight. One even begins to wonder how they became the Ultimate Master Race Of The World with their jumping skills. Did they just jump over all the walls and kill the humans while they were sleeping or something? Because the way I look at it, an allergy to sunlight really sucks when you have to rule a race of day-walking people who hate you because you treat them like cattle. But on the other hand, the movie does give a reasonable explanation for the humans not rebelling: They are the stupidest bunch of people who ever lived. It makes me wonder if the vampires marginally better common sense is actually the crux of their super power when people become vampires. I mean there is a large African man who is very strong(stereotype!) who seems content to walk around with leg irons and handcuffs which he broke without even the slightest effort when in danger. One begins to wonder why he even allowed himself to be put in those stupid chains in the first place and walk hundreds of miles in them if he could just break them. Later, it is seen that he is locked in prison with bars that are assumed to be too strong for him to break. Okay, that would explain why he sits in prison. Yet later, he just rips the doors right out of the socket without a second thought. I have come to the conclusion that this large muscular man let himself be captured for fun, because I find no other explanation for how the hell they even keep him jailed for more than 10 minutes.


Next on my list is the vampire mega fortress defenses. Who in the name of god spends their lives being attacked by an enemy that scales the walls in 2 leaps, but decides to do nothing to rectify that fact? I mean if everyday people would come in through your window and rob you, you'd think you would want to board up the window or something. I mean, why bother with walls in the first place? I think the defenses of their home would've been much the same if they were just lying around in an open fields with a canopy over their heads to shield them from the sun.

I rescind my statement that the vampires have an ounce of common sense. What kind of people create guardians and sentinels that can think and feel, that are also stronger than them. I mean werewolves can prance out in the day, transform only when they feel like it, and when they transform they can kill vampires by the dozens. To be completely honest, it's fairly surprising that anyone with even the basest intelligence would make a servant race that would outstrip the master race by miles and expect them to be servile for all of eternity. That would be like creating a person who is more awesome than you in every way, and then asking him to be your butler. Not very smart to say the least.

And honestly, this is all just scratching the surface of how awful this movie is. I mean they've mangled the franchise, and from how awful this move is, I think it's entirely possible to assume that the writers were out of ideas. Well actually their best idea left the filming,(Kate beckinsale in tight leather) and thus were forced to actually try to write a good story for once in their lives. I really think they should just stick to the tight leather outfits. At least that way there's actually something to watch.